Reflections
by thatcoolkids96
Summary: Havoc takes a moment to reflect on his first time.


Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters.

Rating: M

Pairing: Havocai

**Reflections**

Jean Havoc sighed as he sifted through the paperwork on his desk. The guys were giving him the same worried and pitying looks that they always did when he lost a girl to the colonel. He'd grown accustom to it. It wasn't as though it were the end of the world because he had a secret. A secret that existed between him and the woman Mustang really wanted. It was a long time ago but he remembered it like it was yesterday, he'd had the one thing that Mustang would probably never have...well, at least not if he wanted to stay in the military because she wasn't going to abandon her promise just to satisfy his carnal needs and especially not when he had all of Havoc's girlfriends to steal. His coworkers would never understand the half smile that tilted a single corner of his mouth, a part of him wondered if she would...if she ever thought about it.

Havoc's eyes drifted to Hawkeye, following her as she walked from Mustang's desk back to her own. His eyes traveled over the smooth skin of her face to the soft pout of her lips. He closed his eyes, remembering those lips. He missed them, he wished he could taste them again but that was never going to happen. His eyes traveled the delicate slope of her neck and he wished he could bury his nose in the crook of her neck. Did she still smell the same as she had then? Was her skin still as soft? Finally, his eyes fell to her breasts, mostly hidden by her uniform but still visible. It was her breasts that had begun his fascination, his obsession. She had been his first and he had been hers.

It wasn't anything like what you read about in stories or watch in movies. No, it had been far more awkward and embarrassing but still he loved every second of the memory. He loved everything about her and that was why it was okay. Mustang could steal every woman for the rest of his life but he couldn't steal his memories. He couldn't have her most precious gift, nope, that belonged to Jean…

- 10 Years Ago -

"Have you…have you ever done this before?" Riza asked, her face was a deep red as she stole a glance at Jean from beneath her bangs.

"N-no…but I'm sure we can figure it out. You're the smartest girl in our class." Jean said with a nervous grin and a shrug of his shoulders. This was absolutely surreal. He couldn't believe he was standing there with Riza Hawkeye in his bedroom getting ready to do this...IT. He'd only ever fantasized about this kind of thing and he'd given up hope of her noticing him a long time ago. She was like a goddess to him, untouchable.

Every guy in the academy had at least a small crush on Riza, if not for her beauty then at least for the simple fact that she could out shoot everyone in the academy but that was just one of those quirky turn-ons. She'd arrived here a couple of months ago with a boy. He'd kept up with the gossip that her father had died and so she came to school with her father's apprentice because she'd had no one else. Her hair had been shorter back then and everyone was convinced she was dating the alchemist she'd shown up with but he'd discovered that was false and devoted his spare time to pining over her. His angst had taken form as poems and short stories about a beautiful angel beyond the reach of mortal hands. He'd built her so far up in his mind that he couldn't believe it the first time she spoke to him.

She had been as shy as he was and that had brought them together as friends. He wasn't sure how exactly that friendship had led them to here but he wasn't complaining. He was 17-years-old and still a virgin. He knew there was nothing truly wrong with that but he just felt so embarrassed and inadequate whenever the guys started talking about their sexual experiences and he had nothing to offer. He was tired of making excuses and bolting before they could ask for his opinion or his past conquests since he didn't have any and didn't feel like being teased for it. Now here he was with the girl of his dreams. She'd never done this before and was just as curious as he was. It had been a weird conversation and he still wondered how it started or who really made the suggestion that they do this with each other. He was glad she trusted him this much and he prayed he didn't disappoint.

"So…um, should we…should we get started?" She asked, her eyes on the floor.

"O-okay, let's, um, let's sit." He suggested, taking a seat on the bed and patting the spot next to him.

"Okay." She breathed once she was sitting next to him. "And now..?"

He leaned forward, slowly as if asking for permission, and when met with no resistance, kissed her. He pulled back after a moment and she smiled at him. This time, she leaned forward to kiss him. Her arms wrapped gently around his neck and her fingers played with the hair at the base of his neck. These weren't his first kisses and for that he was thankful, he didn't miss or knock foreheads with her. He'd figured out by now how much he needed to tilt his head to keep his nose out of the way so that he could at least start things out right.

When they pulled away this time, they were panting. She looked so pretty and he was so nervous. He was embarrassed to say it but he wanted to touch her, to see her, but how should he ask that? How was he supposed to progress things? Was he just supposed to take the initiative and push her down or did he ask her to lay down?

It was kind of difficult to contemplate such things with her chest rising and falling like that from the deeper breaths so he made a quick decision. He didn't want to be rude or too bold so he decided to ask her what she wanted to do. He was nervous and tongue tied so it wasn't exactly a complete question that came tumbling out of his mouth.

"So..do, do you, uh, do you want to?" He cleared his throat and dropped his hands from her arms to her waist. "I'm sorry, I'm not really good at this. I'm not really sure what to do. If you want to do this with someone else…"

"No, no it's alright. I want to…I want to do this with you. I'm just as nervous and I'm scared." She whispered.

"Me too." He murmured. It made him feel better to know that she was scared too. He was also hopeful that this meant she hadn't come into this with a whole bunch of expectations that he couldn't hope to fulfill.

"Let's start again." She suggested.

He nodded and leaned in, she met him halfway. His lips brush against hers one way and then the other. He was gentle as he pried her mouth open. He felt excitement course through him as her tongue traced his bottom lip and then entered his mouth. His arms circled her waist and he pulled her close. One of her arms remained around his neck and the other trailed down over his shoulder to stroke his chest gently. His hands rubbed up and down her sides, frequently returning to her hips. He was slow in allowing her shirt to bunch up around her waist and slowly up her stomach in case she wasn't ready for all that.

He was glad when she didn't stop him and celebrated by allowing his hands to explore the smooth skin of her stomach. He felt the hard muscles, beneath the softness of her skin, contract at his touch. It was exhilarating.

Her hands had trailed down his chest and were now resting at his hips. She had been equally slow about raising his shirt and he had been all too happy to shed it for her. She bit her lip as she sat back for a second to study the muscular flat of his chest and stomach. She reached out and gently stoked his chest for a moment, then trailed a single finger down the center of his chest to his belly button. His breathing was coming harder as he wondered what she might do next. His eyes were captivated by the singular digit tracing the lines of his abs and tiptoeing over his rapidly heating flesh.

She looked up at the expression of intense concentration on his face and smiled before leaning in to kiss him again. He battled her tongue with a fierce vigor and she sighed against his lips. Her hands settled on his hips again and her thumbs stroked along the lining of his jeans. A shiver twisted its way up and down his spine at the images that came to mind from how close her hands were to his growing erection. She sat back, eyes filled with concern.

"Ah, no, no." He exclaimed shaking his head. "Don't stop, that was good. That was really, really good."

"Oh! Okay." She nodded, a nervous smile crossing her face and a deep blush returning to her cheeks. She shift closer to him, placing her knees on the outsides of his thighs. He stopped breathing for a moment, eyes impossibly wide.

"Is that okay?" She asked, afraid she had gone too far, too fast.

"Great." He wheezed. "It's great."

He took a few deep breaths to calm himself and brought tentative hands to her knees. She watched curiously as he massaged her thighs and traced delicate circles over her hips. He allowed his hands to briefly graze her back side and then brush up along her sides, stopping just before his hands reached her breasts. He was so curious about her breasts. He'd seen women's breasts in movies and magazine, he'd heard his friends talking about them but he'd never actually touched any or seen them in real life. He wanted to know how soft they were, how warm they were, how they tasted. He wanted to dive right in but he wouldn't, not without her permission. Blue eyes, sought reddish-brown and she nodded following his thought.

"You can touch them if you like." She murmured.

He had to keep the giddiness out of his voice as he thanked her. Dropping his eyes back to her breasts, he went deliberately slow in brushing his right hand over the soft mound in case she changed her mind. He felt the mound expand against his hand as she drew in a nervous breath. His eyes returned to her face but she just nodded at him to let him know that she was okay.

He drew his other hand up to join the first so that he was now cupping both of her breasts. He could almost fully cup them and he certainly wasn't complaining that they were slightly bigger than his hands could fully cup. It was quite the contrary, he was elated as he tested their weight and malleability. It occurred to him, after a moment, that all this squeezing and prodding probably wasn't very comfortable or erotic for her and thus switched to massaging instead. He heard her sigh as he worked his hands into a rhythmic patter of squeezing and rubbing. He swallowed careful not to glance at her face as he contemplated what he really wanted to do. He could feel her hardened nipples through the fabric of her shirt and bra; he couple even see them straining against her shirt. He gave them special attention with his thumbs, circling and flicking but what he really wanted, was to suck.

He was far too embarrassed to ask permission for that so he decided to head straight in and worry about the consequences later. With no warning and a brief prayer that she didn't smack him, he darted forth and captured a nipple through her clothing. He wasn't sure how much she could feel it but it was enough for him for now. He flickered his tongue against the sensitive peak and out of curiosity brought his teeth down gently over the bud. She tipped her head back, gasping with the onslaught of sensation that caused. He dubbed the sight the most erotic thing he'd seen in his entire lifetime despite the fact that she was still fully clothed.

Her fingers twisted into his hair and her breathing became pants as he continued. Her eyes were closed tight as he tugged gently at one nipple with his teeth and pinched the other between two fingers. The first strangled moan of the night escaped her and he paused, looking up to be certain he wasn't hurting her.

"Riza?" He asked uncertain.

"Don't…don't stop…please, please it feels so good." She whimpered, tugging on his hair and pressing his face back to her chest. He grinned, she liked; she wanted him to touch her.

"Can I..?" He asked, fingering the hem of her shirt.

"Yes, yes, take it off." She said as her fingers flew over the buttons, helping him to remove the bothersome cloth. She scooted away from him and he was confused until she lay back and reached out her hands for him.

He crawled over her and gave a nervous smile. She smiled back encouragingly, taking his hand in hers and leading it back to her breast.

"Please." She murmured.

"So then you like that?" He asked for certainty.

"A lot, I like it a lot." She blushed.

He kissed her and shifted his weight to his knees, which were between her legs, and started massaging her breasts again. He liked the feel of them. He liked how they rose and fell with her every breath and how they filled his hands. He liked the lacy bra she was wearing too. He hadn't expected anything so frilly from her but it excited him none the less to see the navy blue silk with its black lace lining. The fabric must be teasing the hell out of her nipples every time he rubbed it. A mischievous grin lit up his face as he kissed along her jaw and then down her neck. He drop a kiss at the top of the valley between her breasts and then brought his lips back to her nipple. He sucked harder this time and pressed his tongue harshly against the bud, rubbing the wet silk against her skin. She squirmed beneath him as he tweaked the other nipple with his free hand and caressed her side with the other. He could do this all day, he was loving the sounds he was getting from her and how responsive she was to the gentlest touch.

Her hands massaged his shoulders then moved to gentle prodding caresses at the neck. One hand cupped his chin and drew his face back up to hers for another kiss. She attacked his mouth with a hunger that he had teased her into. She was demanding and forceful as she sucked on his tongue and pressed her body up against his. He held back a groan as her crotch brushed his groin. She rained kisses down his neck and her hands trailed a frenzied pattern over his skin. She massaged the muscles of his abdomen and he bit back another groan.

He was certain she had felt his hard on a moment ago but he was still completely embarrassed feeling his cock react to her nearness. He bit his lip and tried to keep from making any noise as her hands drew closer. He couldn't resist squirming, a tad uncomfortably, both longing for and dreading her discovery of his erection.

His entire body tensed as her fingertips trailed the zipper of his jeans but drew back and paused mere millimeters away from the swollen bulge in his jeans. He wanted to cry out from frustration. He was suddenly desperately in need of her hand on him. He was half tempted to press down into her hand to relieve the need for friction. Instead, he sucked in a breath and sat back as she removed her hand completely and brought both hands up to push back on his shoulders. He wanted to cry. She was going to say she wanted to stop, he just knew it.

His eyes dropped to the bed between them, waiting for the words to come when she shifted to be sitting Indian style across from him and placed her hands on his thighs, leaning forward slightly. He darted his eyes up curious as to what she was doing. She was biting her lip and staring down at his groin. One of her hands kept sliding up his thigh getting so close and then retreating. She was tapping the fingers of her other hand on his thigh and her face showed she was deep in thought.

"Jean?" She started.

"Yeah…" He breathed, once again dreading the moment.

"Can I…um…can I touch it?" She asked, wine colored eyes drifting up to his. Her cheeks were incredibly red and her eyes were alive with a mixture of fear and curiosity.

He nearly passed out from the shock. His windpipe was restricted thus talking just wasn't happening. Instead, he nodded wordlessly and sat back a bit spreading his legs so that she could crawl between them. She grinned nervously as she moved closer and pressed a crushing kiss to his lips. His hands settled on her hips and she sat back on her heels and dropped her hands back to his thighs.

"Alright." She murmured with a serious expression on her face. His eyes were glued to her hand as it crept painstakingly slow up his thigh and then cupped the bulge in his jeans. He let his jaw relax and his mouth open so that he could take in fuller breaths.

It seemed like an eternity that she just let her hand rest there, her gaze jumping back and forth from her hand to his face. She contracted her fingers and squeezed gently causing a moan to rise up and flow free of his throat. She smiled seeing his eyes closed and head tipped back, enjoying the small gesture. Feeling bolder she relaxed her hand and then squeezed a bit harder, pressing her palm flat against him. His chest rose and fell rapidly as he tried to keep his breathing normal. Feeling bold she began to rub and caress his erection, stroking gentle circles around the bulge in his jeans before cupping and squeezing again. He leaned back against the wall as she memorized the motions to make him hiss and whine.

"Can I, can I take your pants off?" She asked.

His response was an incredibly animated nod. He couldn't believe his luck, she was far more curious than he'd thought she'd be. In truth, he thought it'd be over by now. He didn't know she was interested in foreplay. He refrained from shedding tears of joy so that she wouldn't decide he was lame and leave him there to deal with his engorged cock himself.

He watched as she unbuckled his jeans and slid the belt loose from his pants. Her eyes were on him as she dropped it to the floor. He didn't know how but the entire experience was intensified by the fact that she was holding eye contact throughout his undressing. He breathed a sigh of relief as the button was popped free and the zip slid down. She paused to stroke him through his boxers causing him to cry out. A slight frown crossed her face and he was quick to reassure her that he hadn't cried out in pain but from pleasure. Breathing a sigh of relief, she hooked her fingers into his waist band and he lifted his hips allowing her to tug his pants and boxers just far enough down his thighs to expose his straining erection.

She stared for a moment and his face flushed feeling oddly embarrassed at having a girl stare so openly at his most private area. Her fingertips stroked his stomach for a moment and he could tell she was giving herself a pep talk in her head. He closed his eyes after seeing her nod to herself and feeling her fingers leave his stomach. His mouth opened in a silent moan as her fingers first made contact with his heated flesh. He was panting like a dog when she started to stroke him.

"Is this alright?" She asked, her middle finger lightly circling the head of his cock before her whole hand wrapped around him and began stroking up and down him again.

His answer was a choking sound as he nodded dumbly. She traced the pulsing vein along the underside of his shaft and curved her fingers around his sac squeezing lightly. He thought he was going to lose it. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, gritting his teeth and begged every deity out there not to let him cum just yet. Breathing harshly through his nose, he opened his eyes determined to watch this. Her hand was sliding so gently up and down his skin.

He glanced at her face and was shocked to see she was frowning. Her eyes showed she was deep in thought once again and fear raced through him as he contemplated everything she could be thinking.

"What's wrong?" His voice was raspy when he finally managed the courage to ask. Her hand stopped and he nearly died.

"It's not going to fit." She said.

"What?" That wasn't any of the statements he had been expecting.

"It's not going to fit. You're way too big."

He nearly fell off of the bed. She wasn't disgusted by him, she was worried about later.

"No, no, I'll fit. I'll fit, I promise. Please don't stop." He begged.

"Are you sure?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yes, I'm one hundred percent sure. We'll make it work." He said, willing her hand to return to him.

"Okay." She whispered. She hesitated for a second more and then her hand returned to him. She repeated what she had done before and his sounds of pleasure returned. He leaned his head back against the wall again but his eyes snapped open as she paused again and felt he the wetness beginning to seep over his skin.

"Spread it." He breathed.

She raised an eyebrow at him and then did as he asked. Another groan tumbled from his lips and he closed his eyes again not caring any more if he lost it now or later, her hand felt entirely too good wrapped around him.

"Jean?" Her voice brought him out of his pleasured dream world and back to her.

He waited patiently for her to ask him for something but she didn't say a word, just bit her lip instead with another frown etched across her face. She had stopped stroking him but was allowing her fingertips to whisper over his hardened flesh which he found equally erotic. She opened her mouth to say something but then closed it. She seemed to lean forward a bit and then drew back again. He watched her tongue poke out and sweep over her bottom lip before she opened her mouth again to speak and like the time before closed it without saying a word.

He looked at her eyes and followed her gaze down to the head of his cock. He glanced back at her face and watched her tongue sweep over her lips yet again. His eyes widened. Was she thinking what he thought she was thinking? He scrutinized her entire face. No…she couldn't be thinking about doing that…could she?

"Jean…can I…may I, uh…can I try to, uh, may I try to give you head?" She stammered.

His mouth fell open as he rushed to slap a hand over his nose because he could definitely feel a nose bleed coming on. Had she really just asked that? His eyes traveled over the small heart shaped face before him with its wide innocent eyes. He shouldn't…He knew it was sad and pathetic but he found himself nodding eagerly. He couldn't help it, he'd heard so much about how good it felt to have a girl's mouth wrapped around one's straining erection that he had to feel it. He had to have her try.

"Okay." She nodded. "Just…just tell me if I do something wrong, okay? I really don't want to hurt you or anything and I've never done this before so…so you have to tell me if, if something's not okay…"

He continued to nod eagerly a stupid grin spreading across his face. He took deep breaths as she leaned down and opened her mouth. He clenched his fists counting down to the moment that her lips would make contact.

She paused and drew back. He wanted to cry but held back. She cocked her head to the side and then to the other side and leaned down again opening her mouth to take him in. She stopped again. His head made a thumping sound as it fell back against the wall.

"Sorry. I'm just not sure how to start." She blushed.

"s'alright." He panted.

She nodded and leaned down once more not opening her mouth but this time poking her tongue out. His back arched and he gasped as her tongue first made contact with his pulsing skin. Her eyes lifted up to his and he nodded for her to continue. She licked him again, following the vein at the underside of his shaft up to the head. He groaned. Encouraged, she swirled her tongue around the head before taking the tip into her mouth and sucking lightly.

"Yes…" He breathed.

She smiled as she drew back for a moment and licked him again. He was humming to himself as she licked him. She took the head into her mouth once more and gave a soft tugging suck before extending her jaw and taking in as much of him as she could fit into her mouth.

"RIZA!" He shouted, hands delving into her hair.

He could feel her lips curve into a smile as she slid her mouth back up his cock and then plunged down again. He was becoming increasingly louder as she continued and he willed himself to calm down. To keep from shouting he chose to chant 'yes' in a whispered tone though it wasn't long before his whispers grew to shouts. His groan filled the room as he focused on not bucking or grabbing her head and surging into her mouth. He didn't want to choke her or ruin this experience in any way. He was getting so close and it pained him to know he had to stop her but if he didn't he'd never get the chance to go all the way and he had to know now. He had to feel how amazing it truly was to be wrapped inside the heated warmth of a girl's body.

"Stop, stop, stop, stop…" Jean groaned. "You have to stop."

She released him immediately.

"Jean, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Are you hurt? What did I do?" Her eyes were filled with concern as her eyes flickered between his face and his cock with an expression of concern.

"No, no, I'm not hurt. I'm sorry to scare you, you didn't do anything wrong. It was right, very, very right…and good, really good." He assured her, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "It's just…it was really good…too good and, uh, well if you kept going…I wouldn't…I couldn't…couldn't, you know…"

"Oh! Oh, okay!" She smiled, feeling proud of herself. One of her hands was resting on his knee and the other against his side as she leaned forward to kiss his neck. He held her to him, enjoying the feel of her lips and tongue against his skin. As much as he wanted to be inside her now he knew he had to calm down or he'd lose it on the first thrust. He held her close, stroking her back and taking calming breaths.

Her kisses ceased and she rested her cheek against his shoulder. One of her hands stroked his arm in a soothing manner.

"So…what, um, what do you want to do now?" She whispered.

"Lie back." He murmured, shifting their position once more so that she was lying on her back.

He placed her hands above her head and then slid down her body to press a soft kiss to her lips. She gave him a naughty grin before he moved his lips to her throat. His lips traveled once more to her breasts and he traced the lining of her bra with his tongue and then followed the path back to the valley between her breasts with kisses.

"Can I take this off?" He asked.

She nodded and arched her back to give him access. He groaned as her thigh brushed his erection causing him to fumble hopelessly with the clasp of her bra.

"Here." She said, reaching around to her back with one hand and loosening the undergarment before pulling it off and dropping it to the floor.

Jean could only stare. He was frozen in time, breathing harshly as he stared at the rounded perfection before him. Riza's cheeks were becoming redder by the second. All this time he had been touching her, he hadn't stared so openly at her. He blushed bashfully and muttered a quick apology when he realized he was making her uncomfortable. Collecting his thoughts, Jean's hands flew to her breasts. She lay back again and hummed her encouragement as he took to massaging one and kissing the other. He couldn't get enough of playing with the silky smooth skin. She had to laugh at the childish glee that covered his face whenever he was bouncing them in his hands. He alternated between childish toying and harsh suckling as if he were dying of thirst and if he sucked hard enough he could force milk to flow even though she definitely wasn't lactating. He sucked and pinched and squeezed until her nipples were swollen and red and she was practically sobbing with need. At this point she was so sensitive that he could blow on the hardened tips and she would cry out.

"Do you like that?" He asked her, circling his tongue around her nipple again before blowing softly over the wet skin. She whimpered and nodded and a grin spread across his face. The smile was wiped off his face as a pleasured groan was ripped from him. She'd discovered that whenever he got cocky all she had to do was lift her hips and grind against his aching cock and he was plummeted right back into his place.

He was reluctant but eventually he left her breasts and trailed his kisses south. As he moved she naturally spread her legs to allow him more room. He sprinkled kisses over her flat stomach and nuzzled his nose against her belly button. He was a bit put off by the skirt that he ran into on his journey to her center. He tugged on the rim with his teeth.

"Off, I want this off." He pouted.

"Then you have to finish taking your pants off." She giggled.

"Fine by me." He grinned, hopping up to drop his pants.

Riza was slower about getting up. She stood nervously by the bed, shifting her weight from one foot to the other unable to meet his eye. Being shirtless was one thing and she was getting used to Jean staring at her breasts but her skirt that was a whole other thing. It was a much bigger deal and as much as she wanted this and trusted Jean, dropping her skirt was still incredibly terrifying.

He looked up noticing her hesitation.

"Uh…we don't have to do this if you don't want to Riza." He murmured, swallowing hard. "I'm really serious. I'd hate for you to regret this."

"No, no, I don't and I won't. I just…it's my first time and I'm nervous…I'm just scared is all. This is it really; we're going to do it." She blushed.

"It's my first time too." He echoed. She already knew this and he already knew that about her, that was why they were here. "I'm not really sure what to do…or say either but we can teach each other."

She gave a nervous smile and nodded. He took her hands in his and pulled her to him. Caressing her cheek, he dipped his head down and kissed her gently. His other hand stroked her back and her arms easily came around his waist.

"Don't be scared." He whispered.

She nodded.

"Are you ready?" He asked.

She nodded again and reached for the zip in her skirt. Keeping her eyes locked on his she tugged the zip down and let it fall to the floor. His fingers trailed down her sides and stopped with his forefingers hooked in the sides of her underwear. She placed her hands over his and together they pulled them down.

He sank to his knees as he lowered her underwear and pressed a wet sloppy kiss to her belly button. She trembled and her stomach muscled quivered.

"That tickles." She giggled and then gasped as he grabbed her ankle and tugged causing her to fall back on the bed. He climbed on top of her and growled making her laugh again.

He kissed her possessively and smiled at the dazed look in her eye when he leaned back. His hand found her knee and tiptoed up her thigh. He listened to her labored breaths and grinned moving slowly to build the suspense. He could practically feel her internal heat when he grimaced. She had snapped her legs shut, locking his hand into the vice like grip of military trained thighs.

"Ow." He whimpered.

"Sorry." She blushed. "It's a reflex."

He gave her a pained smile as he nursed her throbbing hand.

"Will it happen if I try to touch you again?" He asked, tentatively eyeing her thighs like a mouse eyes a mousetrap.

"No, I'll try not to." She said.

He nodded though this time his hand traveled much slower and more on the top of her thigh than between. She had propped herself up on her elbows to watch his hand and he could tell by the concentration on her face that she was forcing herself not to react. He brushed first one finger and then another against her slit before spreading her lips to allow his thumb to find her clit. He watched her eyes close and grinned hearing her gasp as he circled his thumb around her clit. He pressed and lightly pinched the bundle of nerves and was rewarded by a moan and the arching of her back. He grinned feeling wetness lubricate his fingers and her sex.

When she was humming a pleasured tune he brushed a finger against her entrance. He prodded a bit curiously and then pushed a finger inside. Her eyes flew open as did her mouth as she drew in deeper breaths. She watched as he moved his finger in and out. Another moan fell from her lips as he added pressure to her clit with keeping a steady pace with his finger. Feeling confident he added a second finger. He paused as a pained sound escaped her.

"I'm sorry. Does that hurt? I can stop." He said in a rush preparing to remove his fingers.

"No. It does but, but I have to stretch or you won't fit. You should probably add a third, you're really big." She whispered fearfully.

He hesitated but then nodded taking it more slowly with just the two fingers. She leaned back again and he waited until her body relaxed before adding a third finger. He paused when she tensed but she asked him to continue so he did so as gently as possible. When she was humming her warm pleasured tones again he removed his fingers and she opened her eyes to pout.

"Is it alright if I…if I do it now?" He asked.

She bit her lip for a second and fear danced in her eyes but she nodded. He was hesitant and fearful of hurting her. He knew no matter what he did it would hurt for her the first time and guilt coursed through him at the thought of hurting her.

Reaching into his bedside table, he found a condom and slipped it on. Moving back on top of her, he kissed her soundly and reached down to guide himself into her. Nervous as he was, it took him a moment to get lined up right but alas he slowly began to push into her. Her eyes were on his as they panted together. He tried to be as gentle as possible as he broke through her barrier. He almost lost his resolve to do this when he heard her cry out in pain and felt her body tense around him.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Riza. We can stop if you want. I don't want it to hurt you. Maybe this was a bad idea. Please don't hate me." He said hurriedly.

"It's fine. I'm fine." She panted. "Just, just wait a moment."

He nodded, resisting the urge to slam into her like a wild animal. She was so tight, so wet, so hot. He closed his eyes desperately trying to ignore the amazing feeling surrounding his cock. He poured kisses across her face and nuzzled his nose against her neck trying to comfort her in any way possible and distract himself from hurting her any further.

"You can move now." She whispered, stroking his back.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yes, the pain's going away." She nodded.

"Alright." He nodded throwing a party on the inside. He still had to keep calm but at least he could begin. He was deliberately slow in finishing sinking into her. He groaned in satisfaction as he was finally surrounded by her.

"Oh yes." He breathed more to himself than her. "Feels so good."

She smiled at him and raised her hips a bit to encourage him to keep going. He began to thrust in and out in a slow controlled pattern that he was keeping the rhythm of in his head. It was awkward at first, learning to move together but soon they were moving in sync. His breath came in heavy pants and hers was growing steadily labored. He felt guilt course through him, thinking that she was still in pain.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you okay?" He asked, gulping down air.

"I'm fine, Jean, really I'm fine. Just don't stop, okay?" She panted.

He nodded and continued to move within her, slowly increasing his pace. He was now making sounds that were a cross between a moan and a whimper as he lost himself in the pleasure of her body wrapped around his own.

"Riza, Riza, please, Riza, Riza." He chanted over and over again as the pleasurable pain built up in his groin.

Soon his chants turned to, "I need it. I need it please, Riza, Riza."

Her pleasured tones were rising from an alto note to a high soprano. Somewhere in his shattering mind he snickered anticipating her to be a screamer.

"Come on, so close. Please don't stop. Don't stop." She cried out even though he hadn't said a word about stopping.

"Not stopping, not stopping now, too close." He said through gritted teeth feeling her walls squeezing him without mercy. "Uhn…ah, RIZA!"

She screamed his name once and then louder the second time as her climax washed over her shattering her world into a million pieces. Jean's eyes went wide and he cried out as her walls contracted around him in a painful manner. He came harder than he ever had in all the many nights spent with his hand.

He collapsed on top of her panting and groaning, mumbling incoherent things. His brain was completely shot. He couldn't string together a sentence to save his life. All he could do was keep kissing her face muttering thank you, thank you.

--

"Thank you for what?" Breda asked, raising an eyebrow at his possibly deranged coworker.

"Huh?" Jean's eyes snapped open.

"Thank you for what? You just kept muttering thank you, thank you." Breda repeated looking at him suspiciously.

"Uh…nothing…fell asleep." Jean said sitting up and immediately scooting in and shifting his legs under his desk to hide the massive hard-on he'd apparently invoked during his trip down memory lane.

"Whatever just don't let Hawkeye catch you sleeping. You'll be helping her with target practice, holding the targets." Breda advised.

"Er, thanks for the tip." Jean said, rubbing the back of his neck.

When Breda had turned away Jean stole a glance over in Hawkeye's direction and was surprised to find she was looking at him with a single eyebrow raised. His mouth dropped open and he vaguely wondered if she remembered but as she frowned and returned her eyes to her paperwork, he dismissed the thought. She didn't think of him anymore. It was just him, stuck in the past, unconsciously ruining every relationship that found its way into his life because he'd already found the girl for him, he just couldn't have her anymore…at least not in this lifetime.


End file.
